Life Lately

I've been bad at this since school started. I decided that the best way to do an update is to do it more as a list of what I'm grateful for. Because life is good. And I have a lot of things to be grateful for.

1. School: School is really good. It's different, that's for sure. All of my classes are with the same 8 people (including me). They are also mostly discussion based. I feel like I'm learning a lot, but time is flying by. I'm taking less credit hours and working less than I ever have, so I actually sort of feel like I have a lot of time on my hands. Which sort of makes me worried that I'm missing something. But really I like it. 

2. Classmates: My cohort is pretty awesome. I'm the youngest, but not by nearly as much as I was afraid I would be. We only have two boys and, interestingly, they both are married and either just had or are about to have a baby. One of them is working with the same professor as I am. And it has been awesome working with him. We've spent a lot of time together this past month or so. It's really nice to have a sounding board and someone who is interested in the same things as me, but who doesn't intimidate me. Group work and sharing the load is very encouraged in our program, and I feel like we have done a good job of this. Also, even though trying new therapy techniques and such is scary because we have never done it, everyone is supportive and non-judgmental. 

3. Research: Research has been going surprisingly well. I spend about 10 hours a week writing and it is shocking how much work I've been able to get done. I spend another 5 hours a week working on running participants in our ongoing research projects. It's been great. And it really is true that the more you get into it the more ideas you have. Also, my first paper was officially published on the 20th. Yep, pretty dang awesome.

4. My mentor: In case I haven't said enough before, I got really lucky with my mentor. He wants his students to succeed, so he doesn't put tons of pressure on, but at the same time expects a lot from us. It's the perfect balance to help me reach my potential by pushing myself but not getting overwhelmed. And he genuinely wants me to do the research that I am most interested in. He doesn't have his own agenda in that way, which is great.

4. Roommates: My roommates are the greatest. We are all super busy and so don't get to spend tons of time together. Which means when we are together, we are crazy and obnoxious. Seriously, we already drove some boys away because we were so hyper at being together. We hung out with them three or four times one week, and after our hyper night, we never heard from them again. I love my girls. They make me laugh and we eat delicious food together. I love it. And they keep me sane when I get stressed or feel like I'm going crazy. 

5. Family: I get to see my family a lot, which I love. Alicia and her family live close, so I see them the most often, but with BYU football in season, I usually see everyone else pretty often as well. I got to spend a little extra time with Abby and Max a couple of weeks ago, which was really fun.

6. Temple: I have been going to the temple more consistently this semester than I have in the past. It has been good to have that in my life. It's a very peaceful and stablizing influence for me. Even if I have to wake up much earlier than I normally would. Also, the Ogden Temple Dedication was awesome. It is really neat to sit in the Marriott with so many people united in such an incredible experience and spirit.

7. Gospel knowledge and testimony: We have a girl in our program who isn't a member (well, two actually, but one that I talk to more). She is one of those people who likes to thoroughly research everything, so she found out quite a lot about the Church before coming to Provo. And she has some great roommates who decided to do roommate "Bible study" as she calls it, though they always read the Book of Mormon in addition to the Bible, so it's more scripture study. Anyway, it has lead to a lot of interesting conversations. She is very religious, so even if she doesn't believe what we do, she doesn't act as if it is too far fetched. Still, I have been extremely grateful that I have studied the gospel and can answer her questions. And that I can definitively say that it isn't just a gospel doctrine but something that I believe or know to be true. 

8. Past experiences: In our psychotherapy class, we practice giving each other therapy. It's hard for me to come up with something to talk about as the patient though, because, to be honest, I think I'm in the best mental health I have been in for a while. I'm not too stressed out by the program, in fact, I think my life is less busy now than it has been in the past because my work is research, instead of working on top of doing research. Plus, nothing dramatic has happened yet this semester that requires a lot of extra emotional attention on my part. I feel very prepared for the things going on in my life and I'm very grateful for it.

9. Ward: Although we haven't had very many normal Sundays yet, I think I like this ward a lot. They seem to be easier to relate to than some of my wards in the past. Plus, we've made friends with a few people who seem to find our apartment dynamic entertaining and fun. We like people who think we are funny, because we certainly think we are.

10. Answers: After years of not knowing why I was having a lot of joint pain, I went to the doctor last week and he said he believes it is benign hypermobility syndrome. My shoulders, elbows, fingers, spine, and knees all are off about 10 degrees when they are straightened and are thus working too hard. While it might sound weird to be grateful for having that, I am. It could be a lot worse. And probably the worse thing of all would have been more questions without any answers. So I'm grateful.

I have a few more updates and things from the summer, but for now this will have to do!

Graduation

About a year ago, I was packing up my stuff after a Multicultural America lecture. It was just a normal Monday in Dr. Rugh’s class. I don’t remember what the lecture was on that day, although I’m sure it was very enlightening. As I was putting my notebook in my backpack, the thought that popped into my head was this: “I’m in college.” Now, I’m sure you’re all thinking, “This is the girl who just graduated? The one who realized she was in college almost three years after she started BYU?”. Obviously I had noticed before then that I was in college. But for some reason, it hit me anew that day. I think it was the ordinariness of the moment that made it so extraordinary for me. That was the moment that I realized how normal it was for me to be in college. I was no longer that scared freshman who acted like she knew exactly what she was doing but really had no idea. Nor was I the innocent little sophomore afraid of speaking up in class for fear others would notice her and disapprove. No, now I was a junior who not only belonged here, at this university and in that classroom, but I was comfortable here. BYU campus was no longer a dreamland that I was trying to convince everyone, including myself, that I belonged in. This was real life. I was living that dream. 

I’ve had many similar moments since then. I had one the first time an article I worked on was accepted for publication, the first national psychology conference I attended, when I took the GRE, when I finished all of my grad school applications, at the interviews I had for grad school, when I was accepted and committed to go to BYU, and the day I graduated. All of these times have shown me that I am living my dreams.

The funny about these dreams though, is that they are not the dreams I’ve always had. When I was little, I dreamed of becoming a great ballerina, a movie star, and of being on Broadway. If I had kept these dreams my whole life, I would have felt like a failure a hundred times over by now. But the beautiful thing about dreams is how they change as we do. At BYU, I’ve accomplished things that I had never even known to dream about when I was younger. I’ve been overjoyed at getting things that I never knew I wanted.

Since my realization that day in the black hole that is the basement of the JFSB, I’ve tried my hardest to not let myself be surprised by the accomplishment of my goals. Instead, I’ve tried to fully enjoy and celebrate them. That is what graduation was all about. To celebrate the accomplishment of a goal all of us had. No matter what other dreams we have or where we go from here, we have all done something great and of great worth. We have graduated from a difficult, incredible university equipped with the knowledge and skills that, if nothing else, will help us to serve our family, friends, and community more fully. We should never give up on our dreams. But we should never be so focused on the future that we fail to celebrate them either.

Our dreams also help us to become who we are supposed to be. They push us beyond our comfort level. Often times, accomplishing them is flat out scary. However, in trying to accomplish our dreams, we learn new skills that help us to progress. As you change, embrace who you are and use every experience to your advantage. Last Winter, the unthinkable happened to me: I got a C. Admittedly, I had a hard time with this. A lot harder of a time than I let on to most people. However, rather than considering it as a failure on my part to reach the level I had set for myself, I chose to look at it as a triumph. I had learned that it is okay to not be perfect. I had learned to prioritize my classes and accept the results of the efforts I put into each specific one. I learned to bounce back rather than dwelling on it. I learned to accept who I was, not a perfect, straight A student, but a normal, imperfect one.

Above all, to be successful, you have to be yourself. I worked for a couple of years for a professor as his teaching assistant. At the end of the class, the students in the class had to give an oral, group presentation. In discussing these presentations he expressed his frustration with how boring many of them were because so many people think they need to be boring to sound intelligent. He described how frustrating it was to see completely delightful people one-on-one turn into robots in high pressure situations. After he pointed out, I started seeing it all over the place. And, in the end, those who are true to who they are in all situations are more successful. In my many, many freak outs preceding each step of the graduate school application process, the advice to be myself and be confident in myself is something that was reiterated to me by those who are much wiser than myself.

As the one of newest graduates of Brigham Young University, I have a lot to offer the world. The aims of a BYU education state that it is an education that should be Spiritually Strengthening, Intellectually Enlarging, Character Building, and Lead to Lifelong Learning and Service. While I will still be at BYU come September, for now, the first three are set in stone. The last one is entirely up to me.

Education

On my way to Massachusetts for my interview, I read the majority of and finished I Am Malala. 

Had I not been on an airplane, I would have been bawling. I was totally holding back tears. Needless to say, I loved it.  I Am Malala is the biography of a Pakistani girl who spoke out for girls' education and as a consequence was shot in the head by the Taliban. As such, she has never been back to her home in Pakistan because it is not safe enough for her to return. Any explanation of just how incredible Malala is and what she has done would not be adequate. Everyone should just read the book.

As I was reading, I was struck by how incredibly grateful I am for what I have. My parents have always stressed to me the importance of education. I can't remember a time in my life where I didn't know that I had to go to college. It was never a question for me. While my experience is in no way the same as what Malala went through, I can kind of relate to how Malala felt. While there was nothing in the actual doctrines of her religion against the education of women, she felt pressure from the people ascribing to extremes in the culture of her religion to stop her education prematurely. Our church leaders all encourage women to get a good education and to be continuously learning. However, the general culture puts pressure on women to give up education in order to be wives and mothers. It has never been that way with my parents though. They taught me that I can do anything and that I should never have to give up learning for myself. They have been my strongest support as I have gone through college and as I made the decision to get a Ph.D. Like me, Malala had parents who knew the importance of education and encouraged her to stand up for herself and others like her. She and her family almost paid the ultimate price for their courage, but they have stayed strong through it all and don't regret their stance.

When I tell people I am going to get a Ph.D., they tend to get really impressed. But the truth is, they shouldn't be. Yes, I have worked hard to get to where I am in life and will have to work even harder in the years to come. But really, me getting this far is not as impressive as they think. The truth is that I have never really had to fight for my education. I was raised in a good home and neighborhood. I attended schools with adequate funding and where my teachers cared about their students. I got scholarships to college and have been given opportunities that many other people never have.

This semester I got to watch my best friend Lizzy's little baby boy, Paceson, for a couple hours a week while both she and her husband were in class. 

Cute Lizzy and Paceson

Every time Lizzy thanked me for watching him, I had the overwhelming feeling that I should be the one thanking her, not the other way around. She has been an incredible example to me. I could see how difficult it was for her to leave him with me. The love she has for her little boy is beyond words. But she is determined to graduate. She is fighting for her education, fighting in a way that I never have. 

My mom did the same thing. She finished school despite already being a mom. When I was in fourth grade she went back to school and she has spent everyday since trying to help her students learn and grow. She wants them to love and value education as she does. Shannon has taught for three years at schools with high populations of underprivileged students. She helps them to fight for their education everyday. 

Someday, I am sure I will be faced with great obstacles to my education. But thanks to the incredible examples in my life, I know that when the time comes the fight is possible and worth it.

The Grad School Process

Warning: This is a long post. I put off writing about the whole process because I wasn't sure of the outcome yet. But I need it documented.

For some reason I naively thought that the whole graduate school process would be better and more clear once I took the GRE. Boy was I wrong. You see, after the GRE is when all of the doubts set in. I didn't do poorly on the GRE, but I didn't do as well as I wanted. I started to doubt what I wanted to do and what I was capable of doing. I had always thought I wanted to apply to Clinical Psychology Ph.D. programs, but I wasn't so sure anymore. For about three weeks I drove everyone around me crazy as I went back and forth between what types of programs I was going to apply to. My poor roommates and parents. I seriously changed my mind SO many times. 

Finally, I went and talked to the professor I've worked for for over three years. I told him that I was majorly confused and needed his advice. The first thing he asked me was I wanted to do, what my eventual goal was. I told him I wanted to be a professor but I was starting to wonder if that was the right thing for me. He told me not to let the GRE get me down because it was good enough and that the rest of my CV was strong. Then he told me that he had complete faith in my ability to do whatever I set my mind to and that I should go for what I want and not worry about trying to figure out all the logistics of my full life plan. He told me not to be ruled by my fear because it would work out.

I left the meeting comforted, but conflicted. Applying to Ph.D. programs went against almost all logic. Four or five years is a long time to commit to being in one place. A few days later I called my mom and talked to her about my conversation with my professor. She told me she thought I should apply to Ph.D. programs because he knew a lot more about the programs and what I was capable of doing than anyone else. And because she knew that is what I truly wanted. So that's what I did.

In all actuality, I didn't really do any of this the logical way, which is slightly unusual for me. Usually logic rules for me. (Just ask my dad. He is constantly reminding me to let my heart have a say too.) The average acceptance rate for Clinical Psychology Ph.D. programs nationwide is around 2%. Most people suggest you apply to 10-12 programs. I applied to 4. After looking at programs, 4 stuck out to me the most, and I figured that if I didn't get in this year, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Most people end up going to graduate school after being graduated for at least a year anyway, so I wouldn't be usual in that way. 

Getting all of the applications filled out was stressful, but I got it done before finals Fall Semester and then was just left to wait. In the end, I ended up getting interviews at BYU and Clark University in Massachusetts. I had the BYU interview the first week of February and though it was a long day, I actually really enjoyed myself. I felt like I showed the committee who I was and knew that I had done my best. Apparently it worked because the Monday after my interview, and just hours before I left for my interview in Massachusetts, my mentor told me that I had a spot in the program if I chose to take it. I was visibly relieved. 

I spent a few days in Massachusetts because I wanted to make sure the weather wouldn't make it so that I couldn't get to my interview on the right day (which I had to do on that day because Shannon got married the day after the other interview day). The interview at Clark was different than BYU, but not necessarily in a bad way. I was impressed with the program and the way it was set up and I really enjoyed talking with the professor who would be my mentor if I went there. He was very personable and we had a fun time discussing research. Again, I left feeling content with how it had gone. I knew that they had seen the real me and that whatever happened would be right. 

Originally I decided I was going to wait to hear back from Clark before I made any official decision. They told us they would let us know in about two weeks from when we interviewed. As time went by though, the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't need to hear back from Clark. I wanted to be at BYU, not Clark. I didn't immediately tell anyone this or make it official though. I had almost not applied to BYU because I had a few worries about it and I wanted to make sure I could dispell those worries before I made a final decision. I didn't want to stay at BYU because it was easy or more comfortable for me. I didn't want to stand in my own way and hinder myself because I was scared of doing something outside my comfort zone.

In the end, I know that isn't why I want to be at BYU. I chose BYU because I know that I can succeed here. It is the right balance of competition and cooperation to push me but not overwhelm me. I used to think that being familiar with the people and the work would make me complaisant but now I understand that in this case it just gives me a head start. I guess I could still end up that way, but that is up to me. If I work hard and never stop trying my best to be the best at what I do, I won't be hindered by being here. For me, the smaller start up costs mean I can do the things I truly want to do and do them well.

So, I went into see my mentor today and made it official. On September 2nd, I start a whole new journey. BYU Clinical Psychology, Ph.D. program here I come! 

It Is Finished. . .

. . .And thank goodness for that.

I'm officially done with the GRE. And, according to Shannon, am officially an adult. I told her that if this is being an adult I don't want to be an adult.

Really, I was totally dramatic about the whole thing. I'm sure it drove my roommates nuts. But it was a big deal to me. I kind of felt like my whole future was riding on that one test, and that is not a good feeling. Especially as there was a few day period where I legitimately thought I was going to fail it. (Not that you can really fail the GRE, technically. Someone please tell me why the practice questions in the study books are so much harder than the actual test. Based off those I should have gotten less than 50% on both of the tests. So I was totally freaking out.) I know everyone was trying to make me feel better when they told me that I was going to do great, but honestly most of the time it had the opposite effect. (Especially the few days when I was so convinced of my own stupidity.) It added a lot of pressure to the situation. I knew everyone expected me to do well and I didn't want to let them or myself down.

But don't worry. I didn't fail. In fact, I think I did well enough to at least qualify for the schools I've looked at so far. Now I just have to narrow down the types of programs and schools I am looking at. 

As relieved as I am that I did well, in a way it would have been easier had I done poorly. Then I would at least know that one of my many options for the future was no longer an option. The planning of my future up to this point has been hazy. No matter how many times I pray about whether or not I'm supposed to go to graduate school I never get a definite yes or no. I get a "just keep going". So I do. But planning out five different futures has become exhausting. As my mom said, now I just have a lot of big decisions to make. And we all know how good I am at making decisions. . .this could be very bad folks.

Anyway, I started the test at 12:00 on Saturday and finished at 3:10. (I didn't take breaks because I feel like it interrupts my focus. Weird, I know.) Anne and Spencer were so great and took me out to dinner after. We went to The Black Sheep Cafe. Only we got there like 45 minutes before they opened for dinner, so we spent some time walking around Center Street in Provo. Such a fun, cool place. I was totally out of it though. I couldn't really even think. Dinner was delicious. And Anne and Spencer are two of the best people in the world. I love them. 

We didn't see all of the Relief Society Conference because we had to stop it when Anne's cousin called to tell us she is engaged (cue long, excited conversation). Finishing the night laughing a lot at Comedy Sportz, frozen yogurt, and playing card games was the perfect way to end a very long day. 

As stressful as the past few weeks has been, it has made me incredibly grateful for the life that I do have. I am studying something I love that changes the way I think on a daily basis. I have two jobs I love where I get to work with awesome people. I get to work for awesome professors who are so supportive of their students. I have an amazing family who I get to see regularly and who bring so much light and love into my life. I have roommates who keep me always laughing and smiling. And I have friends who always know just what to say or do brighten my day. So despite all my complaining, I truly am incredibly blessed.

University of Denver

One of the places I'm looking at for graduate school is the University of Denver. So Dad suggested we go and check it out to "see if they are worthy of you". He's so silly. Overall, I really loved it there. I have a great love of campuses where all of the buildings look like they belong there (are built of similar materials, styles, etc.). That is one of the things I loved about this place. All of the buildings were made of dark red brick mixed in with some tan rocks. Even their multilevel parking structure looked like it fit! All of the walkways were made of red brick and it was covered with beautiful trees. 

Red Brick Walkways

Administration Buildings

The Building with the Psychology Offices

The Library

Inside the library (this picture is for my mom).

Inside the library. At the far end is a cafe. I swear almost every building we
went into had some sort of a cafe inside it. Convenient.

Inside the library. I thought that was such a cool way to honor the donors.

My dad is such a good sport, going about four hours out of our way so I could see it!

Proof...

That the professor I work for is awesome:

He signed all of our Valentines "From: Scotty B."

Quite the leap from calling him Dr. to Scotty.

School

This semester confuses me. I had a few classes I was really looking forward to this semester and, of course, they turned out to be my least favorite. But nothing has been too difficult, so I can't complain. But my writing class is super confusing to me.

My professor is a super nice guy. Really. I truly do like him. He is older and actually pretty funny. But I can't for the life of me figure out what I am supposed to be learning in that class. He has us read a lot of pretty cool reading assignments, but other than exposing us to good writing, I have no idea what the connection is I'm supposed to be making. And his quizzes aren't much help in determining things. We've had three and I haven't missed a question despite the fact that I am at a complete loss of what the class is about, which means the quizzes are super, super easy. Yet, the majority of the class is doing poorly on them, which is absolutely baffling to me.

Tonight, at midnight, our title page and introduction to our 20 page literature review is due. I've been worrying about it for the past week because I am not done with it yet. Today, in class my professor told us though that he is looking more for format than content. What does that mean? Then he added the most unbelievable thing I've heard since I came to college: if we don't have all of the research done yet, we should just put in fake citations and replace them once we get the research to show him we know how to cite things.

What?

Did my college professor seriously just tell me it was okay to make up references and put them in my paper?

Yep, he sure did.

Apparently I had no reason to be worrying about this assignment because I have been overachieving by having actual references for my claims. So naturally I have about zero motivation to work on finishing it. Weirdest class ever.

P.S. I took my first call for research today and was terrified the whole time that I was going to say or do something that would compromise the project. In fact, I'm still not sure I did everything right. Ah well. Live and learn, right? 

Things to Remember

“While happiness itself is sought for its own sake, every other goal—health, beauty, money, or power—is valued only because we expect that it will make us happy.” (pg. 1)

“…happiness is not something that happens.  It is not the result of good fortune or random chance.  It is not something that money can buy or power command.  It does not depend on outside events, but, rather, on how we interpret them.  Happiness, in fact, is a condition that must be prepared for, cultivated, and defended privately by each person.  People who learn to control inner experience will be able to determine the quality of their lives…” (pg. 2)

“…we cannot reach happiness by consciously searching for it…it is by being fully involved with every detail of our lives, whether good or bad, that we find happiness, not by trying to look for it directly.” (pg. 2)

“…the best moments in our lives, are not that passive, receptive, relaxing times—although such experiences can also be enjoyable, if we have worked hard to attain them.  The best moments usually occur when a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.  Optimal experience is thus something we make happen.” (pg. 3)

“…optimal experience depends on the ability to control what happens in consciousness moment by moment, each person has to achieve it on the basis of his own individual efforts and creativity.” (pg. 5)

These all came from my reading yesterday.  It felt a little like a smack in the face.  But a good one.  Suddenly everything was put in much better perspective!

(All quotes come from Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi)

Apparently I was wrong

I became good friends with a guy in my ward because he was in one of my classes Fall semester.  Since I ended up TAing for that class the next semester, we often talked about it.  During one such conversation, he asked me if I was a better TA than the guy I'd replaced (he wasn't exactly impressed with that particular TA).  I, of course, said I certain hoped so.  After teasing me that he wasn't so sure, the conversation went like this:

Me: No really, I try really hard to be good.  I spent three hours reviewing with a few kids for the first test.  And now one of them comes in once a week to go over what was discussed in lecture to make sure he understands it.

Him: Nah, that's just cause he likes you.

Me: He does not!  He just switched majors and is sort of freaking out, and I'm just the TA that has the most time.

Him: Nope, he definitely likes you.

I was so sure he was wrong.  But apparently I was the one who was wrong.  

Yesterday during the break in one of my classes, I was talking to a girl who had been in this particular student's group and she told me he had in fact liked me.  Luckily he never tried to act on it.  Wow, that would have been awkward.

Looking back I guess I should have seen it.  But excuse me for wanting to believe that a) I'm actually a good TA and b) that it is possible for boys and girls to be talk to each other without some ulterior motive! Geez!

(P.S. The guy in my ward was delighted to hear he was right. But I can't be mad because he didn't gloat as much as I would have if the situation had been reversed.) 

Provo

Provo and I have a love and hate relationship.  I always loved coming to Provo as a kid.  It seemed so far away and like such an adventure to come down here.  Plus, most of the time I came down was for BYU football or basketball.  As I got older, Provo seemed much closer.  Spontaneous trips to visit my sisters were much more common.  Since I moved to Provo, things have changed.  Sometimes homes seems very far away, even though the actual distance has not ever changed.  It isn't exciting to come to Provo anymore.  And I think I've figured out why.  I never really loved Provo; I loved what I did here.  I loved visiting Alicia and Shannon for fun or when I need them to help me survive.  I loved going to games with Grandma K.  I loved going out to dinner with my whole family after or before a game and having everyone in the restaurant look at us like we were crazy because we were laughing so hard.  In short, I didn't love Provo, I loved my family.  And now that they aren't here, Provo isn't quite as fun.

That being said, there are things that I love about Provo.  I love my crazy roommates.

Fall 2010:  Me, Sam, Shannon, and Kate

Shannon and I have lived together pretty much my whole life, so it wasn't really that surprising that it was easy and comfortable to live with her.  I had a hard time being away from home for the first time, so it was good for me to live with my sister.  She understood me in a way that no one else did.  It was nice to not have to explain myself to her.  And she always tried really hard to make sure I had fun in addition to doing all of my studying. (She lives in Arizona now.)

Sam is awesome to live with because she is so delightful to be around.  She is super hard working and very smart, but still manages to have fun wherever and whenever she is.  She has an infectious laugh and some of the weirdest eating habits of anyone I've ever met.  And an incredible ability to get ready in ten minutes.  Life is just better and happier with her around.  (She's on her mission in Argentina now.)

Winter 2011:  Me, Kate, Shannon, and Brittni

Brittni moved into Sam's spot and we couldn't have picked a better fit for us if we had hand picked her.  She loves BYU basketball and March Madness as much as Shannon and I.  It was awesome!  She is one of the most genuine and friendly people I have ever met.  She loves to laugh and just go with the flow.  Staying up late to talk and laugh became much more prevalent once she moved in.  She actually had multiple boys in the ward in love with her, but, unfortunately for them, she decided to go on a mission too.  (She is also in Argentina, but a different mission than Sam.)

Spring 2011:  Ariel, Brittni, Kate, Kat, and Anne
(I wasn't there when they took the picture)

Anne is the coolest person I know.  She's an international relations major who grew up moving every three years because her dad is in the Air Force.  She has interesting perspectives on everything.  And she loves to discuss pretty much anything (which works out well for me).  She was in Washington D.C. doing an internship last semester and I missed her so much!  I'm glad she's back.  Also, as you can tell, she is ridiculously pretty and has the world's perfect hair.  (She's my current roommate.)

I didn't live with Ariel, Kat, or Lauren for very long, but I loved living with each of them.  Ariel is just plain sweet and super smart.  I love running into her on campus and talking with her for a few minutes because she is so wonderful and caring.  Kat kept life exciting for all of us with her injuries and stories.  Sometimes it was hard to keep up with her because she seems to be going a mile a minute always!  Lauren was engaged most of the time we lived together and was super busy.  But she still managed to make me laugh every time I saw her.  She's crazy but wonderful.

Fall 2011:  Kate, Lauren, Jessica, and Me

  Jessica.  Oh what do I say about her?  She's a crazy person.  But I love her for it!  She can make anyone smile, I'm pretty sure.  I should walk to school with her everyday because I am always in a better mood when I do.  She is a super hard worker too.  The girl has two jobs and goes to school.  I don't know how she does it.  She is a funny girl.  And she thinks she is hilarious, which makes her funnier.  Also, she read somewhere that people need eight hugs a day to be healthy, so she tries to make sure I get that many.  Yep, that's her.

Erin is my other current roommate.  I don't know her all that well yet, but I already like her.  She is smart and cute.  She also has jumped right into meeting people and getting involved, which is something I really admire.

Kate and Me

Last, but certainly not least, is Kate.  I have been lucky enough to live with Kate ever since I came down to school (except now she's in D.C. doing her student teaching).  I seriously don't know what I would have done without her.  She is one of the only people who I trust enough to break down around and, unfortunately for her, that has happened a lot.  She's been my rock.  She also can make me laugh just when I need it.  She has changed the way I think through her random philosophical questions.  She has changed the way I talk and act (those ones didn't exactly happen on purpose).  She has an amazing ability to see through my crap, and knows when to call me on it or not.  She has taught me so much about how to love and forgive people unconditionally.  It has been almost a month since she left, and I still don't know what to do with myself without her here.

I love school.  Sounds crazy, I know.  It is hard, keeps me very busy, and overwhelms me a lot, but I still love it.  Walking on BYU campus, I know that I belong here.  I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now, that this is the education I need.  I love the way my mind and horizons have been opened.  Unlike a lot of people, I loved the GEs I took.  I learned things in those classes that I never would have known otherwise.  And they have affected who I am and the way I think.  I love that BYU has helped me prove to myself that I can do hard things.  Looking at the everything I have to do in a semester makes me want to quit the first week every semester.  But I have learned to take things a little at a time.

I love that we have weekly devotionals.  I'm sad to admit that I spent a whole year down here without taking full advantage of this.  It is amazing to be able to listen to highly respected and educated people speak on issues that are applicable to me.  It truly is an education in all things, not just a training in my career.  Plus, I get to see my best friend, Lizzy, every time for our "weekly devotional date."  What is better than that?

Me and Lizzy at our last "Devotional Date" last semester.

I love my ward down here.  I'm in a somewhat older ward (although most people are older than me anyway) and have been for almost a year and a half.  I love the wisdom evident here.  These people are going through similar things, are not afraid to talk about it and how they deal with life, and truly want everyone to feel loved and included.  It took me a long time to accept that it was sincere and that makes me sad.  But I am so grateful for the chance I have to be in the same ward again and experience the ups and downs of college life with these people.

In the end, life isn't about where you end up.  It is about who you end up with.  And it is about enjoying every experience and finding happiness everyday.

Fridays

This semester, I set up my schedule so that I only have one class on Friday, at 9.  But, I am also a TA for a professor I had last semester and we, meaning the TAs, teach the lab every Friday.  I still don't have to teach for a couple of weeks, but I am pretty scared.  See, I always thought I didn't want to be a teacher, but now I am thinking I might change my mind.  Don't miss understand, I don't want to be a teacher, but I might want to be a professor.  Big difference.  Fall semester I was a TA too (but for a much less enjoyable class and professor), and I realized how much I liked it.  Maybe I just like being in charge.  Okay, I know I like being in charge.  I just love to help people understand what I know, as long as it is something I care about.  

So here is the background story on this class and professor.

The first day of class, I knew I liked the professor.  He's young, meaning only graduated with his Ph.D. like three years ago, extremely intelligent, and an entertaining lecturer.  I wasn't super excited for the class and I knew it would be hard (he told us so the first day, partly just to scare everyone so that the class would be smaller) but I actually felt kind of excited for it.  Well, I was right.  I never walked out of a lecture thinking I had wasted my time; it was never boring.  I did, however, walk out of many a lecture completely freaked out about the future.  He likes to be honest with his students about what they are getting themselves into and how difficult it is to do what he does, so he talked about it A LOT.  Don't worry, by the end I was only having minor, 5 minute freak outs after his "graduate school" soapbox instead of the hour long breakdown (crying and all) I had after his first real one (Thanks for helping me with that, Kate!).  Anyway, I knew this was a professor that I wanted on my side and to impress.  So I did my best in his class.  Most of the time, it was my top priority on my homework list.

The Monday before Thanksgiving, Dr. B asked me to talk to him in the hall right after I had set my stuff down.  "Don't worry, it's not a bad thing," he said as we were walking out.  Good thing he said that, because I actually was a little worried.  Once we got out into the hall the conversation went a little like this:

Dr. B:  "By this time of the semester, students have usually proven how they are going to do in my class.  And every so often I get a student who proves that they are just going to beat the crap out of all of my tests and rock them no matter what I throw at them.  This semester, you're that student.  When this happens, I like to make a little deal with those students.  As a professor, we have a few students who do pretty poorly and a few that do extremely well, and the rest are all just in the middle somewhere.  And for the most part, we have to teach to those in the middle.  So here's my deal, if you're interested, I'd like to have you tutor a few of the students who aren't doing well for the next couple of weeks, and in return, you won't have to take the final, because I already know you'd do well on it.  I feel like you will get a lot more out of the material and learn it better if you have to teach it to other people.  So, does that sound like something you'd be interested in?"

I, of course, said yes.  A) I wouldn't have to take the final (score!) and B) You can't say no when a professor gives you a compliment and opportunity like that.  Little did he know, but he had just made my whole semester.  My excitement was even able to withstand another one of his graduate school talks, this time a whole, purposefully designed lecture's worth.

A couple of weeks later he e-mailed me, told me a couple of TAs were leaving and asked me if I would be interested in filling one of their spots.  Obviously I said yes, since I am now one of his TAs.  

Walking home the day he asked me to tutor, being the psychology major I am, I started to wonder why our little chat in the hall had meant so much to me.  And I realized it was because it was exactly what I never even knew I needed.  I had been working so hard, and not feeling like I was succeeding in anything.  I knew I wasn't doing the best I could at work and in a couple of my classes and felt like I wasn't in control of anything.  My talk with Dr. B seemed to be God's way of telling me that I am doing things right.  That my hard work has not gone unnoticed.  And that on a university campus with over 30,000 students, I was making myself known.  There are a lot of times at BYU that I feel like I'm the dumb one.  So sometimes it's nice to reminded that it's okay for me to be a Psychology major with 3.8 GPA instead of a Chemistry major with a 4.0.  I'm still doing pretty good.

So I guess that's why I like being a TA.  It reminds me that I'm still doing pretty good.  I mean, I'm here aren't I?

The First Day of School

When I went to bed and couldn't sleep (like the night before every first day of school), you weren't there.

When I woke up, you weren't there either.

You weren't there to shower, blow dry, and straighten your hair while I straightened mine.

You weren't there to go shopping in my closet or so I could go shopping in yours.

I went to my first class.

You called during it, but I couldn't answer.

When I called you back you were doing something much cooler and couldn't talk for long.

Between the library, classes, and getting last minute registration stuff done, I had a busy day.

But when I got home, you weren't there to ask me how my day was.

I watched football and talked to friends, but not with you.

The four roommates talked for hours after Jess came home, and it felt like I'd come home...except you weren't there.

And when Jessica asked what our plans were for the next day, I laughed at how much she sounded like you.

Our new roommate doesn't really know much about you, and that's weird to me.  I feel like everyone who knows me should know about you, because you are a part of me.  I am who I am because of you.  I don't know yet how to navigate this life without you.

I miss you, Katie girl.  

Come home?