Quiet Moments

Last week, Lizzy needed someone to hang out with Paceson while she took a test because she didn't have any other time that she could take it. I was happy to do so, obviously. It was so fun to watch him waddle around and get into all sorts of stuff. He is so dang cute! He turns one this month and has been working on walking and eating real food with all his teeth (he has at least 8, I'm pretty sure).

It started to be nap time and so he got a little upset that his mom wasn't there. When we got to his room, he started crying. I gave him his binky and sat down in the rocking chair with him. I know parents work really hard to teach their kids to self soothe and so I am probably ruining all of that by just holding and rocking the child, but I'm okay with that. I sang a few primary songs as I rocked him to try to calm him down (I apparently need to brush up on my primary songs, because I could only think of a few at first). 

Rocking that sleeping baby and singing those songs was an incredible moment of peace. Those are the moments when I think I come to understand at least a small part of what it is like to be a mother and to feel that much love. 

I worry about having kids often. Silly seeing as I'm not even married, but it is something I have thought a lot about. Getting a PhD doesn't easily lend itself to having kids, now or someday. I worry about what kind of mother I will be. I worry that I won't experience the extreme love I see so many mothers experience. But times like the one I had with Paceson, and countless others with my own nieces and nephews, gives me hope and faith that when the time comes everything will work out.

Until that day, I'm grateful for those around me who let me experience just a little bit of their heaven by sharing experiences with their children.

Today I am Grateful

I really should be doing my homework, but I have so many thoughts running around that I need to get out.  So here I am.  

On Sunday, something I have been struggling with since I came down to school really came to a head for me.  Lately, I have had a ton of people asking me what I want to do when I get out of school.  Not an uncommon question.  Especially if you are a psychology major, or any other one that doesn't have an obvious career path.  The truth is, I want to be a psychologist.  I want to get a Ph.D.  I want to work in a clinic with girls who have eating disorders.  I have ambition to be something other than a stay at home mom, and I feel guilty about it almost every day.

It isn't that I don't want to be a mom or that I undervalue the work of mothers.  In fact, it is almost the opposite.  I look at the amazing stay at home moms I know and don't think I can ever measure up to that.  I see the love they have for their kids and the chance they have to be with them all the time and wonder if I will ever have the courageous, unselfish love that allows them to dedicate their lives to helping others discover truth and the beauty in the world around them.

I've struggled with my goals for other reasons too.  As a girl, I have a hard time feeling like it would be justified for me to drag others with me as I pursue my goals.  Especially as there is no guarantee I'll ever even work.  And if I don't work, then what was the point in working so hard and gaining such a huge education?  What good is the Ph.D. if the only evidence that it exists is the certificate on my wall and astronomical student loans?

So I called my mom Sunday and asked if she thought I was crazy; crazy for wanting what I want and for actually believing that I'll get there.  That I won't be the stereotypical BYU girl who gets married young and gives up every career goal to raise a family.  (It is a stereotype:  the last research says that 52% of women and 48% of men leave BYU unmarried.)
She said that no, she didn't think I was crazy.  And that she's sure I can do it, it just might not end up being in the timing I want.  That the fact that I can't figure out how it will all work out doesn't mean that it won't.  I just need to be patient and let things work themselves out. (She's so wise and patient.  What would I do without her?)
Which I know.  It's just frustrating.

Since that phone call, I've had more than one experience that has re-emphasized my mom's point.  And it is these experiences that make me grateful I am at BYU.  Because, I wouldn't have had them if I wasn't here, studying what I'm studying.
If I wasn't at BYU, one of my assigned readings for my nutrition class wouldn't have been a talk by Elder Holland that reminded me of the divinity of all of us and of God's love and knowledge of me specifically.  That encourages me to embrace the opportunity I have to improve the lives of others that is uniquely given to women.
If I wasn't at BYU, I would not have attended a moving devotional today on the importance of God's plan and timing.  That brought me back to this scripture and reinforced the fact that God can work any miracle at any time that He wants.  The miracles we want are not always the best ones.  I may want all of the confusion and stress taken away, but God may have a greater miracle in mind.  Probably one that will come from learning how to overcome the trials instead of having them completely taken away.  The devotional also impressed to me the power and importance of mothers.  I have always known it, but never felt it in the same way of how it could apply to me.
If I wasn't at BYU, I would not have had an entire lecture in one of my classes devoted to the discussion of divine vs. cultural gender roles in the church.  The speaker helped remind me that I'm not here to get a degree, I'm here to gain an education.  We are on this earth to become perfect.  Whatever else we become is important, but peripheral.  Nothing I learn will be a waste because it will always help me to improve myself and give me greater understanding that will lead me to perfection.  The emphasis placed on the differences between doctrine and culture also helped remind me that it is okay if I don't align with the culture I live in.  As long as I align with the doctrine of God, I can have ambition and accomplish career goals too.  (A lot of quotes came from this talk.)
Lastly, if I wasn't at BYU, I would not have an awesome roommate who picked up on the fact that I was having a hard time and talked to me about it.  And another one who thinks the same as me and can articulate what I can't.  And I wouldn't have a sort-of roommate in D. C. who has helped me get this far without falling apart too much.  (My mom suggested one of the reasons I was having such a hard time was because I was going through withdrawls...My mom knows me too well.)

Life is hard and confusing.  Things rarely work out the way we plan.  But we can always pull through with the help of those around us we love.