Warning: This is a long post. I put off writing about the whole process because I wasn't sure of the outcome yet. But I need it documented.
For some reason I naively thought that the whole graduate school process would be better and more clear once I took the GRE. Boy was I wrong. You see, after the GRE is when all of the doubts set in. I didn't do poorly on the GRE, but I didn't do as well as I wanted. I started to doubt what I wanted to do and what I was capable of doing. I had always thought I wanted to apply to Clinical Psychology Ph.D. programs, but I wasn't so sure anymore. For about three weeks I drove everyone around me crazy as I went back and forth between what types of programs I was going to apply to. My poor roommates and parents. I seriously changed my mind SO many times.
Finally, I went and talked to the professor I've worked for for over three years. I told him that I was majorly confused and needed his advice. The first thing he asked me was I wanted to do, what my eventual goal was. I told him I wanted to be a professor but I was starting to wonder if that was the right thing for me. He told me not to let the GRE get me down because it was good enough and that the rest of my CV was strong. Then he told me that he had complete faith in my ability to do whatever I set my mind to and that I should go for what I want and not worry about trying to figure out all the logistics of my full life plan. He told me not to be ruled by my fear because it would work out.
I left the meeting comforted, but conflicted. Applying to Ph.D. programs went against almost all logic. Four or five years is a long time to commit to being in one place. A few days later I called my mom and talked to her about my conversation with my professor. She told me she thought I should apply to Ph.D. programs because he knew a lot more about the programs and what I was capable of doing than anyone else. And because she knew that is what I truly wanted. So that's what I did.
In all actuality, I didn't really do any of this the logical way, which is slightly unusual for me. Usually logic rules for me. (Just ask my dad. He is constantly reminding me to let my heart have a say too.) The average acceptance rate for Clinical Psychology Ph.D. programs nationwide is around 2%. Most people suggest you apply to 10-12 programs. I applied to 4. After looking at programs, 4 stuck out to me the most, and I figured that if I didn't get in this year, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Most people end up going to graduate school after being graduated for at least a year anyway, so I wouldn't be usual in that way.
Getting all of the applications filled out was stressful, but I got it done before finals Fall Semester and then was just left to wait. In the end, I ended up getting interviews at BYU and Clark University in Massachusetts. I had the BYU interview the first week of February and though it was a long day, I actually really enjoyed myself. I felt like I showed the committee who I was and knew that I had done my best. Apparently it worked because the Monday after my interview, and just hours before I left for my interview in Massachusetts, my mentor told me that I had a spot in the program if I chose to take it. I was visibly relieved.
Originally I decided I was going to wait to hear back from Clark before I made any official decision. They told us they would let us know in about two weeks from when we interviewed. As time went by though, the more and more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't need to hear back from Clark. I wanted to be at BYU, not Clark. I didn't immediately tell anyone this or make it official though. I had almost not applied to BYU because I had a few worries about it and I wanted to make sure I could dispell those worries before I made a final decision. I didn't want to stay at BYU because it was easy or more comfortable for me. I didn't want to stand in my own way and hinder myself because I was scared of doing something outside my comfort zone.
In the end, I know that isn't why I want to be at BYU. I chose BYU because I know that I can succeed here. It is the right balance of competition and cooperation to push me but not overwhelm me. I used to think that being familiar with the people and the work would make me complaisant but now I understand that in this case it just gives me a head start. I guess I could still end up that way, but that is up to me. If I work hard and never stop trying my best to be the best at what I do, I won't be hindered by being here. For me, the smaller start up costs mean I can do the things I truly want to do and do them well.
So, I went into see my mentor today and made it official. On September 2nd, I start a whole new journey. BYU Clinical Psychology, Ph.D. program here I come!
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