Quiet Moments

Last week, Lizzy needed someone to hang out with Paceson while she took a test because she didn't have any other time that she could take it. I was happy to do so, obviously. It was so fun to watch him waddle around and get into all sorts of stuff. He is so dang cute! He turns one this month and has been working on walking and eating real food with all his teeth (he has at least 8, I'm pretty sure).

It started to be nap time and so he got a little upset that his mom wasn't there. When we got to his room, he started crying. I gave him his binky and sat down in the rocking chair with him. I know parents work really hard to teach their kids to self soothe and so I am probably ruining all of that by just holding and rocking the child, but I'm okay with that. I sang a few primary songs as I rocked him to try to calm him down (I apparently need to brush up on my primary songs, because I could only think of a few at first). 

Rocking that sleeping baby and singing those songs was an incredible moment of peace. Those are the moments when I think I come to understand at least a small part of what it is like to be a mother and to feel that much love. 

I worry about having kids often. Silly seeing as I'm not even married, but it is something I have thought a lot about. Getting a PhD doesn't easily lend itself to having kids, now or someday. I worry about what kind of mother I will be. I worry that I won't experience the extreme love I see so many mothers experience. But times like the one I had with Paceson, and countless others with my own nieces and nephews, gives me hope and faith that when the time comes everything will work out.

Until that day, I'm grateful for those around me who let me experience just a little bit of their heaven by sharing experiences with their children.