For Now

The past couple of weeks there has been something different in the air. With the lowering of the ages when missionaries can go out, an extremely large number of girls have decided to go on a mission. One of my professors is a bishop and he had 14 pre-mission appointments set up by the Monday morning after Conference alone. That's a lot of girls.

I turn 21 in April, so I had already decided that the biggest question for me during October's General Conference was whether or not I was going to go on a mission.

Notice I said whether or not I was going to go, not whether or not I should go.

I discovered a long time ago that, for the most part, revelation doesn't work with a "should I", at least not for me. In fact, I have never even had God tell me yes or no to a decision I've made. He either stops me or he doesn't. So I knew that this, like everything else, was my decision.

When President Monson announced the new age for missionaries, my first thought was not of myself but of my old roommate, Karen, who is 19 and has said repeatedly that she wished she could just go on her mission now because she wanted to so badly.

My second thought was the interpretation of my first: I didn't want to go on a mission enough to even be excited for myself that I could go in December/January instead of April/May. I was more excited Karen could go than that I could. 

So, my answer to the thousands of queries over the past weeks of whether or not I'm going on a mission have been "It's not currently in my plan." I'm fully aware that I could change my mind tomorrow, a week, month, or even year from now. And that's okay. But for now, I have my answer.

I don't believe that God would say no if I told Him I wanted to go now. But I couldn't in good conscience do that. I'm afraid that at this point, I would choose to go in order to escape and put off big life decisions and changes. And that is not an acceptable reason to go for me. If I go, I want it to be because I really want to, more than anything. As my roommate put it, "It is a lowering of the age limit, but not of the bar." I'm not saying I would be a bad or unworthy missionary. But I know myself well enough to know that if I don't want something with everything I am, I won't work as hard at/for it. And a mission is not something that I would ever want to do halfway, and I wouldn't successful like that anyway.

The Lord needs more missionaries out there, but He also needs the right missionaries out there, at the time He appoints. Perhaps my time will come, or perhaps my calling in life has nothing to do with me serving a full-time mission. Either way, I know that God is in control and will guide me to what is right for me, not anyone else.

***This post is mostly for me and my own need to express my feelings. The past couple weeks have been rough with a lot of people making me feel guilty and like I wasn't a good member of the church because I am not going on a mission right now. So I wrote this to understand what I am actually feeling.***