Astonishing

I sang this song at my senior recital two years ago.  I've had incredible experiences with music before, but nothing quite like this.

As I sang the words, I realized just how much I related to Jo.  I felt as though I was drowning in all of the changes occurring: I was graduating, Alicia was getting married, my friends were going on missions and to different colleges.  Everything I knew was falling apart.  I felt lost and terrified that I wouldn't be able to adjust and succeed in this new life.

 

And I need,
How I need my sisters here
If I can't share my dreams
What were they for?

I thought our promise
That we would never change and never part.
I thought together,
We'd amaze the world.
How can I live my dreams or even start when everything has come apart.

My sisters were my best friends.  The summers that we spent together constantly were some of the best of my life and I knew that those times would never happen again.  Sure we'd see each other, but the sisterhood felt was not something that could be recreated.  It had its time and place.  But that was not now.  Now was the time for change and growth.  And it scared me.

I thought home was all I'd ever want
My attic all I'd ever need.
Now nothing feels the way it was before
And I don't know how to proceed.
I only know I'm meant for something more
I've got to know if I can be
Astonishing

I'd been to Provo a thousand times.  Moving there was different though.  It was no vacation or fun day trip.  It was hard, complicated, real life.  It would have been easier if I had known from the beginning that it was right, that Provo was where God wanted me to be.  But really it was nothing but a gigantic leap of faith, with my heart leading my head.  For someone who prides herself on a dominant mind, I think following my heart was the most terrifying part.

There's a life
That I am meant to lead
A life like nothing I have known
I can feel it
And it's far from here
I've got to find it on my own

Even now I feel it's heat upon my skin.
A life of passion that pulls me from within,
A life that I am aching to begin.
There must be somewhere I can be
Astonishing
Astonishing

But there was a reason for all of the changes.  I needed new opportunities to grow and prove, to myself and everyone else, that I was capable of great things.  I needed to work on not being so afraid of finding out that I can be great.  I'm still working on that, but it's getting better everyday.  I know that somewhere, someway, I will find my place and discover what God has given me the potential to accomplish.  Someday, I will become Astonishing, in my own way.

I'll find my way
I'll find it far away
I'll find it in unexpected and unknown
I'll find my life in my own way
Today

Here I go
And there's no turning back
My great adventure has begun
I may be small
But I've got giant plans
To shine as greatly as the sun

I will blaze until I find my time and place
I will be fearless,
Surrendering modesty and grace
I will not disappear without a trace
I'll shout and start a riot
Be anything but quiet
Christopher Columbus
I'll be Astonishing
Astonishing
Astonishing

At Last
 
This weekend at Kate and Ryan's luncheon, Gary said something that I've been thinking a lot about.  He said that Kate wasn't just working toward becoming Astonishing, but that she already was.  That the moments that help us to become Astonishing most of the time are not singular, defining moments.  It is the little, continuous, daily moments that truly make us Astonishing.  We don't need to be Astonishing to everyone, just to one person, in order to succeed.  Being Astonishing has nothing to do with world recognition.  It's about love and being there for others.  It's about recognizing our own potential and rising to not only meet it, but attempt to rise above our wildest imaginations.

I have dreams, big ones.  But it will not be the fulfillment of those dreams that will help me to become Astonishing.  I am meant for something more, as the song says.  Something more than I am now.  Something more than I can imagine myself to ever be.  Something more than I even have capacity to hope for. 

And someday, I will be Astonishing...

At Last!